Arthur C. Clarke's bibble-babble about the millennial turning point at 2001 will fall on deaf ears this year.  Not just because the four horsemen will spread Famine, War, Pestilence, and Some Other Blight Soon To Be Announced but because every second of every single day is a millennium away from some other second of some day.  Just look at the way our centuries are named and you'll see something similar.  The twentieth century ends on 2001, yet the 1900's will end in a couple of hours.

People of our modern era know this and don't care if the Romans never grasped the concept of zero or if the religious scholars of old would have chosen to start at one or zero.  Round numbers are good for counting big batches of things, and even better when a whole bunch of nines roll into zeroes like a worldwide odometer.  It just makes sense that we would call the next year the start of a new millennium since this'll be the millennium that we start organizing our numbers better.  Does anyone still think we should still wait until 2001 to celebrate? 

Whether you disagree with that millennial philosophy or not, I hope everyone's been hoarding food and ammunition in preparation for new year's eve.  When the clock strikes twelve and the apocalypse draws near, you'll really want to have those Spam cans to eat in your last days and your semi automatic assault rifles and with armor piercing bullets (for hunting purposes, of course).  You might prefer other canned goods to Spam, but those Y2K global annihilation computer bugs are coming too, and I'm sure the Earth's certain destruction is something all of us can agree on.

So as long as the end of the world is near, I figured it would be a great time to tell you all a holy trinity of rules to make a best-selling video game.  Everyone wants to get into the video game industry, but some people just don't know how things will work from the business angle.  I hoped to get rich from these secrets before Y2K but the upcoming global meltdown is liable to make the secrecy of my plans meaningless.  Now, for the first time ever, I will share the rules of video game success with you.

1)  Don't try to revolutionize anything

Companies often believe they should make revolutionary, high quality video game titles.  This is a common mistake.  Did anyone remember "Terra Nova: Strike Force Centauri?"  This was an exciting squad based science fiction combat game that could be considered a forerunner of the genre that currently stars "Rainbow 6" and "Spec-Ops."  Well guess what?  It's dangerous to be the first with a new idea. Terra Nova tanked in sales.  If you want to be a success, find a currently popular game and rip it off.  Say aaaah to the RTS glut of 1996 and '97.  Oooh to all the Doom clones that continue to this day.  Breathe in the Myst-alikey goodness!

2)  Secure a big license that'll appeal to the masses

If people are willing to attend large conventions and dress up like the characters who'll appear in your game, your license is a good license.  Science fiction TV and movies will usually be the biggest attractions but music can work too.  Hear about those KISS conventions?  Well KISS Psycho Circus is on its way to the PC!

Current pop and rock musicians like Ricky Martin and Buckcherry may be tough to get for your projects, so you may have to wait until Martin lives "La Vida Vieja" and Buckcherry changes their lyrics from "I love that cocaine" to "I love that Rogaine."  But why wait for current stars?  Pay rock stars from decades past to do your work!  Homeworld had a song from the progressive rock band Yes and Omikron heavily featured David Bowie.  I like "Ziggy Stardust" and "Roundabout" better than any top 40 song that's been released in the 1990s anyway.  Start capitalizing on the nostalgia!

Before you can say "Star Trek" you'll know that a high-profile TV or movie license can boost the sale of your low-quality game even better than music can.  Why else would anyone buy bad games?  Don't rely on accidental purchases alone!  Your first instinct might be to say "Come on Dave, people who like [insert franchise here] are intelligent, and would never buy a cheesy clone game."  Of course, that's not true.  Star Wars Rebellion and a huge pile of Star Trek games may not have lived up to the expected standards, but those standards are surprisingly low.  I'm a fan of the 1980's Transformers franchise, and when I read the Usenet group I found the following quote, which I swear I am not making up:

"I don't have a dog, but I'd buy dog food if they put 'Transformers' on the label."

Check out the recent Star Wars merchandising (Jar Jar Binks' candy tongue?) and you'll know this reaches out to fans of every franchise.  Some people just like to be collectors.  So you should make "collectors' edition" versions of your game that have different boxes (ensuring that fans of your license will buy multiple copies) and put the same game in there.  Don't forget to use the license's catchphrases in your advertisements too.  Sweet!

They'll buy dog food!  Man, I just can't get over that.

3)  Don't miss Christmas

Once you have a great idea for a clone, you may attempt to make it a good clone.  Slow down there, partner!  Quality takes time and time is money!  To appease your publishing executives, you'll want to release your game just before Christmas, when most video game sales take place.  This can sometimes be difficult when your audio engine is out of whack or your game crashes when a player attempts to start, but you'll "finish" before the deadline, and thus cash in on more sales.  Hey, it worked for SIN, Battlecruiser3000AD and a host of others, why not put it to work for you?  Release it now and patch it later!

So that's all you need to know to produce a winning, successful video game title.  Of course these tips have been tightly guarded secrets because if anyone knew how to put all three together, they'd learn how to make the ultimate game.  It would sell more copies than anything before it while simultaneously being cheap and easy to produce.  It's the holy grail of publishers and developers alike...

[ Episode I: Jar Jar Hunter", the Deer Hunter clone ]

(cough)

Okay, I'm better now.

Maybe that was less advice than cautionary satire about the current state of the video game industry, but think twice the next time you notice some of that behavior going on in a video game purchase.  Reward companies for the content of their gameplay, not the license, endorsements, timing or hype.

Additionally, it's fun to imagine that we're all sitting around and saving ammo and Spam in our bomb shelters for next year, even though Y2K isn't likely to be the end of human civilization as we know it.  The new year will, however, bring the end of something else.

Effective immediately, I am no longer an editor at the Guru of 3D.  I had a wonderful time as the head writer for the Opinionated columns, but it's time to move on into a few interesting directions.  I'll still design music and sound effects to all forms of electronic media and hopefully add more video game projects to my accomplishments.  I'll even write occasional articles or game reviews here, but I'll be turning the Opinionated section over to someone new.  Could it be you?  Go ahead and email Hilbert Hagedoorn, our main man of 3D if you're interested.

Outside the world of video games and audio effects, I have an exciting task ahead:  I'm going to become an MBA.  With a Masters degree in Business Administration I can finally become JUST LIKE DILBERT'S BOSS.  Although I'll miss my work here, it is a wonderful opportunity that I can't pass up.  Thanks to the Guru3D staff for having me along and thanks to all the readers out there for tuning in.  It's been a blast!  Whether you celebrate it this year, next year, or not at all, have a happy and safe new millennium!

If you have a need to share your opinion on this article then please feel free to write/share your opinion in our Discussion forum.

Copyright 1999 - All rights reserved Hilbert Hagedoorn